About a decade ago, I was in a relationship with a guy named Jake. We had been dating for a few years, but fought over a lot of stupid things and eventually called it quits. My “favorite” argument is a story I continue to tell because I think it was so hilarious and he was so ignorant.
One night I spent the night as his place. It is a frequent occurrence for me to get those AGONIZING middle-of-the-night cramps in my calf muscles. The ones that hurt like a sumbitch and cause you to jump out of bed to try and get some blood down to that area so it will ease up. On this particular night at Jake’s, I got one of those cramps. He was laying asleep next to me and I was gritting my teeth and massaging my leg furiously while repeating the words, “Fuck me. FUCK ME. Fuck fuck me.” When the cramp finally loosened it’s grip, I threw my sweaty head back onto the pillow and said, “AAAaaaaaaaahhhhhh. Whew. That feels so good.” I did all of this as quietly as possible and assumed I was successful in not waking Jake. I fell back asleep.
That next morning he was acting all crotchety to me while we were making breakfast and I was like, “What’s up yer butt?” and he said to me, “Who were YOU dreaming about last night?”
I had to stop and think about this for a minute. Ding ding! I realized he had heard the “fuck me fuck me” and thought I was having a sex dream. I laughed out loud and told him the story, thinking we could both enjoy a big haw-haw over it and much to my surprise, he was completely pissed! He was like, “I KNOW you were dreaming about someone else. I know what I heard!” I could not convince him otherwise and I am still angry that he missed what SHOULD HAVE been a funny moment for a bf/gf. I could totally see how he thought it was a sex dream. I was shocked that he was so mad, especially since A) I can’t control my dreams, sorry and B) Let’s say I HAD been having a sex dream. I would think that might make a dude happy!
Jake wouldn’t speak to me for two weeks. Now you understand why this relationship was not meant to be. What a dummy.
